Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I’ve had worse
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐