Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip