Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
How all things should be taught/explained.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.