That took me a moment.
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Love this guy
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.