me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese