HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.