German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
You Might Also Like
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.