Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight