My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
The biggest mystery of our time
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.