I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.