9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
He-man has a Masters degree
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here