Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.