Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
You Might Also Like
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Sharon, call the vet
My patience has stretch marks.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga