I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?