I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
best review i’ve ever seen
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.