Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.