A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You Might Also Like
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*