wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.