I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
goldfish mafia
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
*limbos under the caution tape
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that