[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.