Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
What personal space?
My dog
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.