Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Finished stitching this today 😇
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Okey dokey.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood