my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
You Might Also Like
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
So creative 😂
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.