I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
much to think about
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.