I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
when you don’t want to be too vague
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here