America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT