Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
hackers play passwordle
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*