Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
What a chick magnet..
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot