Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
You Might Also Like
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.