If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The struggle is real
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood