My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Covid like