last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I don’t make the rules sorry
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.