*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
never ask a starfish for directions
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.