motivation
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
#inspiration #foodforthought
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Salad is the decaf of food.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.