“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
That 👊
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.