stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
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me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
eggs benadryl
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I was bored.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I love wikipedia