Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The Weeknd is back
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.