Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.