Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again