When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
You Might Also Like
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
S O O N
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Auto correct is my worst enema.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.