I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
You Might Also Like
mumsnet is amazing
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.