People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest