My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.