Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Yup.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Sex so good you see dead people.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?