I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
i baked you a cake