Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
is this how new cars are made??
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that