People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
classic mixup
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.