I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.