Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Only short people can save us
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.