1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…